Alone

tireswing free

Creative Commons. DeArth-Pendley, T. (n.d.) Untitled. Retrieved from https://tinyurl.com/y8lrr8kx

I think that one of the most underrated experiences of deconversion is the actual grief of the loss of the “personal relationship with the Lord.”  Years later, I still miss him.  I used to be best friends, even have a weird pseudo-sexual connection to an omnipotent deity.  He was always there for me and was my most profound relationship.  I knew I would never be alone.  I was never quite good enough to deserve it.  I had to be eternally grateful for that love despite my humanity, but it was still always there.  In an enigmatic kind of puzzle, brokenness would draw me closer, so I never had to fear getting too fucked up because that would make me needier and more attractive to him.  It may suck, but that connection is always there.

When you deconvert, that connection is suddenly gone.  It becomes a possibility to be completely alone.  That security completely shatters.  No matter what other connections you have to real mortal people on earth and no matter how much you tell yourself that it wasn’t true to begin with, there is always still the grief of that amazing connection that you have lost.

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